Friday, November 30, 2012

The Phantom of Loneliness

Alrighty, so I wrote this paper for my Essay course. We kind of had the freedom to do what we wanted with some topics she gave us. I'm pretty proud of this, even if it is a little depressing, only because I FINALLY found a way to incorporate legit amounts of music into my writing. Anyways, I know it's a bit lengthy, but do enjoy. And thank you for reading!


The Phantom will Grip You

“Where do all the lonely people come from?” –The Beatles (Eleanor Rigby)

Nobody warned him about this pain or how it sometimes feels like he is looking at his life from the bottom of a deep well. Where did this dark phantom come sweeping out from?  How could one person knock the wind out of the very core of his being? Why does one human get to hold so much power? He can’t fight it, so he gives in for just a minute.  He becomes one of the many walking souls in search of something…of anything, to define a more profound purpose in life.

“Loneliness cries deep from my soul, keeps trying to tell me about the world growing so cold”
—Grand Funk Railroad (Loneliness)

All of the sudden a cold feeling grips his heart and tears through his stomach. His head hurts from the thoughts of why he is alone.  Then he starts to rationalize. He deserves to be alone, right? After all, he’s not that attractive or smart or funny.  He calms down again. Now that he has a full understanding of himself, well, it’s okay to be alone now. He can find a little solace in knowing that he should be alone. In fact, he almost deserves to be alone. He just needs to find out how to handle that now.  

“Please be lonely without me”—Quietdrive (Starbright)

Then comes the anger—the child of loneliness. While anger is a product of loneliness, it can often be found that loneliness is born of heartache.  He drops to his knees with tears in his eyes and decides to wish loneliness upon the one who has left him.  He figures if he wished loneliness upon her, then he wouldn’t be alone in the world.  If loneliness was going to sit holding him in the palm of its hand, well he wasn’t going to be alone in that.  He wanted loneliness’ hands tightly wound around the waist of the heartbreaker—the one person he trusted, because loneliness hurts.  He was unspeakably fearful that he was alone in his feelings of loneliness. Those are intense layers of emotion that the phantom is just relishing over.  It’s the pinnacle of pain. The world is starting to seem pretty grim, and all of the sudden he sees this pool beneath him. He looks up at that sneering phantom, laughing so gleefully at how far he has fallen.  “What is that black liquid? What are you going to do to me now?”  The phantom looked him over, up and down, with a pondering look in his eye.  “Ah, you see, it is not what I will do to you. For it is your choices, kind sir, and your will to survive, that determine whether that pool is for you to swim in. As I grow bigger, your time grows smaller.  You must figure out how you will spend your time, and you must decide soon. That is all I shall say, for I do delight in your company.”  

“So when your hope’s on fire/but you know your desire/don’t hold a glass over the flame/don’t let your heart grow cold” –Mumford and Sons (Hopeless Wanderer)

He finds himself looking beyond his heartache, to the things around him that don’t remind him of her.  He turns to the people who love him and remembers the feeling of laughter.  To his surprise, people want to listen when he’s sad, because they care.  He refocuses his dreams and pushes past the feelings of self-doubt.  He recognizes that he actually has a pretty damn charming sense of humor and cleans up well.  He isn’t ready to close his heart or let it grow cold; he’s still chasing passion and no phantom of loneliness will hold him down.  He might be haunted in the wee hours of nighttime by his past, and that may ache sometimes, but there is no way he would let himself drown in a pool of depression.  He finds himself pretty clever and, as it turns out, being alone isn’t so bad after all. He goes where he wants without having to report back to anyone, and he can get lost in his mind for hours without being questioned about what he’s thinking about. So, yes, though loneliness may try to sweep in from time-to-time, there was no way it would win.

“But what if I do win? You know what happened to the last guy? It was such a sad song to sing, but I loved his company dearly too.” Said the phantom, “Oh, yes. He got a glimmer of hope in his eye, much like you have. His wasn’t quite as strong though, so I grew just a little bit bigger and held a little bit tighter, and I won.”

“We all have these things inside that no one else can see, they hold us down like anchors; they drown us out at sea.”—Bring Me the Horizon (Chelsea Smile)
The phantom saw him. He thought back only a few months and remembered that man. Loneliness had swiftly risen after his father had passed away. He grasped for hope and happiness. He looked for it in bottles and pipes, but to no avail. He couldn’t find it in the arms of women he barely knew nor could he find solace in his one sibling, who he had grown apart from as an adult. His parents had divorced when he was a teenager—he grew close to his father, while his sister took to his mother. The family was estranged, and now he felt abandoned. So, as loneliness grew the man decided to fall into the pool and was slowly drowning every day. Soon he would grab for the rope; but let us not speak of the rope for at that point many are beyond repair.

“This is for the ones who stand, for the ones who try again, for the ones who need a hand, for the ones that think they can.” –Greg Laswell (It Comes and Goes [In Waves])

And so you see, loneliness took two men in drastically different directions.  Through his heartache and pain, the first man found his way out through hope.  He realized that there was more to life than a relationship, even when a broken heart can leave your chest heaving deeply and tears flow for hours.  It often feels as if nobody can identify with such strong emotions, but this man found that he could rise from the ashes of pain and rebuild himself. The other man was not so lucky.  Loneliness grew so daunting that he fell into a pool of depression that anchored his emotions to a point of no return.  Recognize this; the world is not black and white.  There are not just two paths where loneliness can take a man, for he loves to stretch the pain, leave and come back, and can resurface at any point in life.  Loneliness is a constant threat, but should not be a constant fear. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A Few Quaint Reminders

1) You are important. Treat your soul and vessel in that way. This means that you should
    -sleep well
    -eat healthily
    -study and always keep your mind fresh
    -maintain healthy relationships
    -take 30 minutes every day for yourself
    -there is a clear spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical connection in the body. Keep them balanced.

2) You cannot take on the whole world in one day or all at once.  Pick it apart, prioritize, and breathe.  There is always tomorrow.

3) Question why you are stressed. Can you fix it? Yes?--do it. No? Drop it.

4) Never fear asking for help.  The resources are often there as long as you're willing to swallow your pride from time to time.

5) When negative thoughts start to creep in just walk away from those demons. Make some tea, pick up a book, flip on some music.  Do something to turn them away.

6) Even if you have no reason to smile, try. It helps.

"A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything"--Irish Proverb. Truth.

Click here to laugh

Now go get your 8 hours

over and out

Monday, October 29, 2012

Realization Put to Practice

It's taken me awhile to realize this, and even more so to put it into words, and even yet more challenging to actually blog about it, but there are some things meant to be written and shared.

I think that at times we all get lost in what other people think and feel about us while forgetting to step back and remember what we're comfortable with. It's far easier to get caught up in what seems less difficult than it is to challenge yourself, when really the challenge is what helps make you a better person.  The key is to not let the challenge push you down or confuse you.  To separate the good from the bad is important. To know who you are is essential. Stop thinking about what others think or say from time to time and go with your gut. You know what you want too sometimes. That being said, don't stop listening to the ones you love either.  They're there for a reason too.  It's hard to fall down and getting up is harder, but the struggle is worth it.  You'll feel like puking, crying, running away, and just stopping--but don't. Don't ever stop. Just slow down. Breathe. Re-evaluate yourself.  Remember that you can't drag everyone down with you either. You are your center.  Take action to better yourself and rid yourself of your demons. It's not easy or fast, but it's doable. Slap life in the face and never back down. Find solace in the fact that you are strong and beautiful and loved. Keep on truckin' along.  You got this.

over and out

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Love hard, be imperfect

As a disclaimer: This entire entry is aimed towards the female population but can be read by men. Go ahead and change the perspective if you like; or just enjoy! :)

I found this yesterday and realized that Bob Marley put into words a few of my beliefs. I think if girls could really understand what he is saying, then love wouldn't be so hard or the expectations so unattainable.  This life isn't meant to be a fairy tale.  Being swept off your feet doesn't mean someone coming along and taking your breath away with beautiful words and a bouquet of flowers. A magical evening of dancing and romance aren't needed for love to blossom--not even love!--just a beautiful relationship moving in that direction!

Let's pick this apart a little bit. I haven't done this for awhile--school has been out since May :) You're not perfect enough to be the center of his world so much that he is constantly thinking of you. Hopefully by the time you were 12 you figured out that the world doesn't revolve around you. That doesn't change when you find a partner in crime; a better half. His world includes a job, friends, hobbies, family, you, and other things. Hopefully your life includes similar broad categories to occupy your time. If he is all you can think about and your world revolves around him--you better check yourself.

You aren't there to change him. You aren't there to pick him apart and analyze him.  You are there to accept who he is. He gave you a piece of himself knowing full well you could hurt him but he let himself be vulnerable anyways. You did the same. Respect that. I repeat, respect that. Because that is not something you take lightly or just play around with.  You trust that through thick and thin. As you get to know him more, you will know what to expect from him. If you expect more you will only be let down. And really, you're letting yourself down because you let your fantasies get the better of you. Just chill out and be happy. 

If love is there, you better hang on and love hard, as Mr. Marley says. He'll never be perfect and neither will you--but the two of you can conquer the world together if you are perfect for each other.

over and out

Saturday, August 4, 2012

A return to the past

I wrote this in the "notes" section on Facebook in response to a prompt about a year ago. I just recently heard someone say they gave their whole heart to one other person and yada yada yada. SO, I remembered this and wanted to share it on my real life blog as opposed to the flimsy Facebook notes. Plus, I'm feeling narcissistic enough to believe that those that have read it already will actually want to read it again ;)  Thanks all!


Name something you gave away that can never be replaced

I first read this question about 2 months ago. I turned the idea over in my mind for a long time, often at random times. Certainly it was nothing material. I could give my iPod touch away and get another. True, it wouldn't be the exact one I had, but I can replace it. I can replace just about anything material-aside from the quilts and blankets made for me by grandma. Trust me, I haven't lost those. So I turned to the less materialistic side of life. What did I come up with?

I gave away my heart, and it cannot be replaced. 

I don't have some sob story about a guy ripping my heart out and stomping on it. Yes my heart has hurt, it has been bent. It has not been broken though. When I say I gave my heart away it means that as I have grown, bits of my heart have been taken, changed, and my original heart cannot be replaced.  My family, my best friend, the regulars at work, my coworkers, my ex-boyfriends, my pets and ALL my friends have taken bits of my heart and made their impression. My heart is a mosaic of people who have moved me, taught me, laughed with me, and hurt me. As memories take over I feel a twinge in the part of my heart where that memory was made and who was there. It's hard for me to believe that a person can give their entire heart to one other person because there is more than one person you love in life.  The cliche line that "I gave my whole heart to you" (generally said to a lover) seems a little overwhelming and, quite frankly, sad. Your heart should be shared with everyone who loves you, cares for you and would never give up on you. When you look back on your life, or even reflect on it now, I hope you see not one person holding your heart, but the multitude of people in your life. Everyone you love deserves their place in your heart forever.

I'm not sure that much of that makes sense, but that's the best I came up with. Love you! 

over and out

Friday, August 3, 2012

I smell luck



I know I'm one of the lucky souls in this world because I can go to my best friends and ask them anything. They'll give me an honest answer. It won't always feel good and sometimes tears will jump to my eyes because the truth hurts, but at least they didn't lie to soften the blow. They'll give me advice when I ask for it, but they won't overstep their boundaries either. 


I know I'm one of the lucky ones because I have a sister who will fight with me hard and who I will fight just as hard with. We'll spit names at each other and if looks could physically injure we would both be in rough shape, but we can turn around in the same day and patch things right up. We fight hard but love harder, and I've found that makes a really strong relationship. 


I know I'm one of the lucky ones because I've found a boyfriend who will let me be ridiculous in public and just laugh. He won't ask me to stop. He'll argue with me when I'm being stubborn or rude though, and I think that's a really good thing too because theirs nothing good about repressed emotions. I feel pretty lucky to be caught up on a good one for once. 


I know I'm one of the lucky ones because I get to travel with my family this weekend to northern Minnesota and just relax. I'm lucky enough to take a couple days off and just breathe for a couple days.  


I know I'm lucky because I have slowly taken this summer to find out that I can live in the moment more easily than ever before. Oh, it will get harder when school starts. It's always harder when life is more challenging, but I think that since I've made a conscious effort to improve it will be easier. 


I also have a job....which is pretty cool too, and I know I'm lucky to have a job in this economy. Speaking of--time to get ready. 

over and out 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Colorful and Eccentric

So, a lot of us (if not all of us) have heard this saying, or at least something to this effect. It rings true to me every time it resurfaces though because it's just another mantra that's really difficult to live by. Emerson presents a fun challenge though. 


Here's how I see it:  First, you have to discover a little bit of who you are and accept that. You're a constantly changing character wandering through a forever evolving life. I don't know how you're supposed to fully "find" yourself as some people claim to do. All I really find myself knowing is where I want to go and stick to that--is that me?  You are what you dream of being, and your dreams are what you can't let the world change--so the answer to my question is yes.  Sure, you have to be a little realistic about all your dreams, but that doesn't mean completely throwing them away if they don't fit into the frame of some societal norm. Let yourself wander for a little bit and soul search. Shit, I'm not ready to be settled, and I never want to be boring. I hope that when I'm 40 years old I still feel the urge to dance a little in the grocery store. Okay, maybe at least be a little quirky still. I'm just saying, it seems when people start to conform to expectations and a cookie cutter life they lose the color in their world. Keeping your world colorful when there are so many things trying to whitewash it with simplicity is hard but a lot of fun. Keep it that way. 

over and out.