Colorful and Eccentric

So, a lot of us (if not all of us) have heard this saying, or at least something to this effect. It rings true to me every time it resurfaces though because it's just another mantra that's really difficult to live by. Emerson presents a fun challenge though. 


Here's how I see it:  First, you have to discover a little bit of who you are and accept that. You're a constantly changing character wandering through a forever evolving life. I don't know how you're supposed to fully "find" yourself as some people claim to do. All I really find myself knowing is where I want to go and stick to that--is that me?  You are what you dream of being, and your dreams are what you can't let the world change--so the answer to my question is yes.  Sure, you have to be a little realistic about all your dreams, but that doesn't mean completely throwing them away if they don't fit into the frame of some societal norm. Let yourself wander for a little bit and soul search. Shit, I'm not ready to be settled, and I never want to be boring. I hope that when I'm 40 years old I still feel the urge to dance a little in the grocery store. Okay, maybe at least be a little quirky still. I'm just saying, it seems when people start to conform to expectations and a cookie cutter life they lose the color in their world. Keeping your world colorful when there are so many things trying to whitewash it with simplicity is hard but a lot of fun. Keep it that way. 

over and out. 

Coffee and optimism

I have stumbleupon.com to thank for a lot of my inspiration.  So naturally on my day off I ended up on my computer stumbling around and ended up finding a page of quotes.  

The page I found today was chock-full of superb pictures, but this one was most applicable to my life right now--plus it inspired me to make coffee: win-win.

Alright, now to get to the actual point.  For the past year I have worked very hard on not looking too far into the future because I would worry myself sick about where I would be in a year, how I would get there, who I would be surrounded by, how I would pay for it, and blah blah blah. That's a lot of unnecessary stress, especially when I started to realize that I actually had little to no control over my future.  I mean sure, I'll go to school and finish that.  Yes, I will be living on my own, working, making my own food and whatever, but because of the twists and turns of life I knew that getting nervous about the future became pointless. So, moral of that story: I have started to accept life day-by-day more, rather than looking at it more anxiously year-by-year. It's a really relieving feeling. 


The past though--that's been haunting me lately. I think that the word depressed is a bit strong, but the past has a tendency to drag me down. I've begun to realize how quickly it can drag down my mood and day and effect my attitude towards others when I get wrapped up in it.  Letting go of my past and embracing the present is my goal right now. I have gotten better. Any sort of drama that comes my way, I really try to push aside only because it casts a shadow over the happiness that the present has to offer.  


Sometimes though, I've found that the present offers a different kind of dynamic that isn't always happiness, and I think that this quote is a little narrow in that regard.  To embrace the present you must embrace all that comes with it.  You have to fight, and you have to laugh, and you have to get really passionate, and really emotional, and really calm, and really goofy, and sometimes really intense.  To be in the present is not to be dull, but it is to completely feel everything.  When you're stuck in the past you dull your emotions because you've already felt them. You don't really know how you'll feel in the future so those are just assumed emotions, probably heightened or dreamed up. What I'm telling you is to try to live every moment you can in the present. It's damn hard, especially when you're wandering about your day, plugged into your headphones, and lost in your own mind.  When you live in the present though, you feed into optimism which leads to happiness. Just think about how great your life will be.  Do yourself a favor: don't get too caught up in the negative. And if you do, find that person in your life who can always find the silver lining. 


over and out.

Stunna

What a beautiful life I have found myself living.  Really, I think it's partially summer. I'm not consumed by books and studying.  Every day is a  new surprise and always refreshing.  


I think the reason for clarity is two-fold though.  My life is no longer overwhelmingly stressful--well, aside from work here and there--because school is out.  Certainly that helps, but I have also stopped over-thinking every minute detail of life to align the universe in some sort of order because that's not actually how life works--or at least I don't think.  Over-analysis is really a taxing habit that should be kicked because life is so, so sweet without it.

That being said, don't stop thinking all together.  Remember to stand up for your beliefs still, because those mean something too.  You still have to hold onto something, or you become nothing; and then what?  Care more about how you feel about yourself than how someone perceives you. Granted that can be one of the hardest things to avoid because conforming helps you to advance sometimes.  Comfort is far more important in many situations though.  Love who you are because if you don't, the people around you aren't really loving who you want to be.  Excuse the cliches...why are those so unavoidable in my rants? 


Moral of the story: personality drives your social life while over-analysis drives people away.  Simple. 

Over and out. 

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

I flash you a smile, share a hug, laugh profusely, dance like a freakin' fool, sing out of tune, and hang on to what keeps me sane.  All of this is a description of my life.  I love where I'm at and how it includes all the people that make my world the riot that it is.  When I get out of bed I know that my day will be some sort of adventure; even if it's just laughing about nothing or genuinely smiling. 


It's been a couple weeks of insane studying--early mornings, late nights, interspersed with class and work. I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep that is making me more reflective, but I've had my moments of daydreaming that are offering a lot of clarity. 


As I sit here in Moka (again) I can't help but think of what this year has given to me.  My happiness is effusive even if it doesn't always show.  I get tired and grumpy and a little gloomy, but when I stop to think about what I have I know I'm lucky.  I can't accommodate to everyone though; I don't have the willpower to be able to please everyone because that's unfair.  If I'm happy in an unselfish way, then why would I change to please one or two people?  I cannot handle being judged for every damn thing I do.  I will not conform to some status quo that one person has for me because I love my world, finally.  I have no complaints--well, besides about school. It's that time of the semester though, sorry. 


SO, I'm sorry I'm not sorry for being who I am or that I've changed.  I'm sorry I'm not sorry that my life has not been stagnant and stuck in the past.  I have changed into a better and more mature person than I was a year ago, and I think that's both a good thing and a normal thing.  Sure, I don't mind a little advice from friends, but what I value most is that my friends trust my judgement just as I trust theirs.  When they're honest with me they're not mean and don't jump to conclusions.  I have no problem weeding out the negative either.  I'm stronger than ever, please don't question that. 


[over and out]

THAT belongs to me, and other thoughts on Utah

Over a month has passed since Spring Break 2012.  I used to think of spring break as a week to work hard for a little more cash. Hey, no school, right?!  Money is always important, but let's not forget happiness as well. I usually stick with the realistic approach.  This time, I thought of adventure, something new, something beautiful--anything but La Crosse for a couple of days.  Gus and Burgandy put the fire under my ass, and I walked to Outdoor Connections and signed up to go to Utah.

I am an open person, willing to have a good time, and I love people.  I am shy at first though.  Sometimes it can be so frustrating, and I knew the beginning of this trip wouldn't be different.  Being with strangers was my first adventure.  I know I need to push myself to get to know new people, even if it is a little difficult at times. With a little help from Gus and Burgandy, I was able to overcome my shyness quickly.  Utah was the other adventure.  Both were, far and away, more successful than I could have imagined.  It took a couple of days to crawl out from behind my wall of shyness.  When I did I also started to discover how amazing all of the people are. We all had each other's backs.  A conversation wouldn't be complete without a song attached to it, and we all learned how to do push-ups like beasts.

  What an amazing week it was.  I count myself lucky to have the resources to take such a trip, and I am even luckier to have met the people that I did.

Thank you to everyone, especially two of the best friends ever, for having the week of a lifetime.

Worlds beyond here

"We read to know that we are not alone"   [C.S. Lewis]

As I take a break from my mundane writing, I turn to...writing. Naturally. I have this quote stuck in my head though, because it's pretty true.  Not everyone reads, I get it [thanks for reading this though], but once you start reading the more this quote makes sense.  

My relationship with books:

I have learned life lessons and truths from J.K. Rowling and her beautiful cast of characters.  Swirling in the midst of the madness, sadness, and adventurous story was the underlying theme of love and how it is the deepest form of magic.  Sure, Harry Potter isn't really real, but the story comes to life when the visions begin forming in my mind; when I begin riding along in the flying car or get emotionally invested in all the characters' well being.  

Then there was Shadow of the Wind; undoubtedly the best book I have ever read after Harry Potter.  Seriously, if a book can literally put me in tears, I think it deserves one or two more reads. The intricacy of the plot threw me into the streets of Barcelona and had me experiencing trials of Daniel Sempere. One of the best quotes I have ever heard--one that still gives me chills--is written in the introduction.  Zafon wrote a stunningly beautiful truth when he said that "few things leave a deeper mark on a reader than the first book that finds its way into his heart. Those first images, the echo of words we think we have left behind, accompany us throughout our lives and sculpt a palace in our memory to which, sooner or later—no matter how many books we read, how many worlds we discover, or how much we learn or forget—we will return"

Understand this: when life gets too hard and you just want to shut down, try seeking out a good book.  Reading is only a chore if you have the wrong attitude.  Each book holds a world unlike any you have ever witnessed; unlike anything you can experience elsewhere.  I've been to Middle Earth, Hogwarts, New York, Barcelona, and the Medieval Times.  I have dueled Death Eaters, witnessed my heroes die in battles for the betterment of mankind, and gone on missions to find elusive answers to life's harder questions.  At the end of the day,  reading is my therapy.  To enjoy something so precious is a wonderful thing. 

Taking it back

I'm not really a confrontational person, and sometimes my reactions are a little delayed.  I often get caught up in a moment, any moment really, without reflecting too closely--until afterwards.  Lately, my life has been full of laughter, smiles, beautiful people, and a realization that my world is aligning.  As the cliche states though, nothing is ever perfect.  I have found encroachments of negativity that, though I try to suppress or write off, continue to badger me.  Apparently the time has come to challenge my laid back demeanor.  After much contemplation, and serious talks with a good friend, I realize now that it's time to let go.  


There are people that have touched my life in so many ways over time but have now been proving difficult to approach.  In fact, it hurts me to realize that I have to distance myself a little so I don't get hurt. Insults, no matter how witty you try to play them off as, upset me.  Sometimes I don't fully react until I am removed from the scene and pondering my time spent with you.  I can't handle your selfishness, and I can't handle your underhanded insults about me that, though you may find funny, I find less than amusing. I don't need a sense of humor, just a little respect. 


I am both sorry and thankful that I have come to these conclusions. Given time, I'm sure I will work through this, but for now the process of letting go has begun. 

[To those reading this, I apologize for the constant use of second person.  I don't want to name names, but I did need to get this out.]